Fear, itself
by OnTheBrinkOfInsanity
Summary: The emotion, fear, has the amazing abilty to change somebody's life. If you're strong, you can conquer the fear. But, what do you do if your biggest fear is... yourself? Now a Three-Shot
1. Chapter 1

_Fear is an emotion, so powerful, that it could destroy all life. Fear has the ability to consume ones mind and invade all free thinking space. Fear can affect ones stability, fear can strengthen. But, above all, fear can __**kill**__._

James watched, pen and paper in hand, as the leaves swirled in the Autumn wind, being swept away from where they originally lay. He wished, sometimes, that he would be swept away like that. It wouldn't matter where, or why. He just wanted something to happen, anything. All he wanted was to be free. But he knew that that was never going to happen; it was literally impossible.

Since, he wanted to be free from _himself._

Through the eyes of everyone else, James Diamond was perfect. He was handsome, confident, the reason behind 'Big Time Rush'. It never occurred to anybody that there was ever anything wrong. They said that he oozed confidence and shone like no other. They were wrong. Because, none of those people knew what was going on in his head, what thoughts were running through his mind day in, day out.

James Diamond was insecure, beyond belief. He'd spend an unnecessary amount of time in the morning staring at himself in the mirror, not liking what he was seeing. He'd never told anyone that he purged after almost-every meal. He'd never told anyone that he hated the way his face looked. After having spent three years drilling into his head that he wasn't good enough; he finally believed it. Everyday, he told himself that he was **ugly** and that nobody would ever love him.

He knew that there was something wrong with him, but he didn't want to give it a name.

James didn't know how to feel when Miss Colins had assigned them their essay topic. He didn't want to think about it. So, he just wrote.

_**My Biggest Fear.**_

_I know you're all expecting something like spiders, snakes or small spaces. Sorry to disappoint; my fear is different. My biggest fear is myself._

_I hate being left alone in my own mind, I cannot help the thoughts that I think when there is nothing around to distract me. I hate that I have no self control when it comes to that sort of thing. Sadly, I just couldn't find it in me to tell someone. I'm pretty good at keeping things secret, if I do say so myself._

_I am not happy with myself. The way I look. My personality. Just everything. I have thought endlessly about simply running away to isolation where nobody would have the displeasure of looking at me._

_My whole life has been taken over by these tiny little insecurities that have escalated quickly. I feel as if I'm dying slowly on the inside. _

_No, scratch that; I'm already dead._

Great drops fell from his eyes; the heavy rain clouds in his mind let loose their turbulent nature. The stray droplets fell to the paper in his hands before he wiped the remaining ones from his cheek. Mind set, he continued:

_Before anyone asks, no I have not self-harmed. It never seemed necessary for me. I have nothing I can do to numb the pain._

_So, at night, I lay there in the darkness and the still and I think. I think about all of my flaws, outlining them to extreme extents. I think about how nobody would miss me if I left. I think about all of the people that are lucky enough to have normal, happy lives and how mine isn't. But then my mind takes a turn and I begin to think about how selfish I am for all of these thoughts. I have a roof over my head, food on the table and an amazing job. Yet, I'm still not happy. There are millions and millions of people in the world that have it worse than me, yet here I am wallowing in my own self pity._

_But, the thing is, I can't help it, no matter how much I would like to. If I was in control, I'd be telling myself that it's all silly lies and that I need to get a grip, but, that's just it. I'm not in control. It's as if there's another James, stuck in my head. He's the one that's feeding me all of this, telling me I'm not good enough. And, it's taken a while, but I believe him now. I've finally realized that, he's right._

_Having said all of this, my fear has changed. I now fear myself, __**and**__ the thoughts of others; the others who have listened to this._

_I now fear people judging me._

_**James Diamond.**_

**You like? I don't know where this tumbled out from. But, I would appreciate reviews.**

**~Insanity ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

Staring up at the cracked ceiling, James wondered how on earth he had let it get this far. Unfortunately, he was sat in the waiting room of Rohampton House, an institution for therapy and mental aid. He hadn't meant for everyone to take his essay that seriously.

He never thought that anybody would care.

_It was silent, you could've heard a pin drop. James stared down at his paper from his position at the front of the class. Too scared to see their reactions. He finally looked up when he heard somebody sniffling._

_Logan was crying silently, staring at his best friend in utter shock._

_Kendall looked as if he wanted to cry but was trying hard to keep a straight face. The hurt was evident in his green eyes._

_Carlos resembled a lost puppy, looking up at James as if he had just kicked him._

_James located the source of the sniffling. Camille, sitting in between Jennifer 3 and Logan, was wiping tears from her eyes and trying to smile at James._

_Miss Collins looked similar to a middle aged lady watching chick flick where the main character dies, a hand on her chest and tears spilling from her round eyes._

_James himself was choking back tears, slowly breaking down the walls he'd been building for so long. He gave up._

Mama Knight was informed and had insisted that James attend a therapy session at Rohampton. Something about bringing a positive light into his life.

"James Diamond," his 'mother' began as she was about to leave him. "Just remember that you are beautiful, inside and out. Don't let such horrid thoughts sway you."

He didn't believe her.

A couple of minutes later, his name was called and he was directed to room 204. A small, elfish looking man was sat in a leather chair on the other side of the room.

"Ah, Mr. Diamond." he smiled up at James. "Take a seat."

He did as he was told, seating himself in the long, brown leather chair. The room was white, the walls bare of any posters. It smelt of disinfectant; that made James uneasy. What were they going to do to him. Dissect his brain to find out what was wrong?

"Now James, to solve any problem, you need to find the root cause." Benet said calmly. "Can you tell me where this all first began?"

He stayed silent, thinking it over in his head. Keeping his eyes on the wall in front of him, James began digging through his brains to find the 'root cause'.

"I used to be fat." James said after a long while, surprising the therapist. He didn't know why he said that, but he was glad he did.

"And, how did you feel about that?" Benet kept pushing, trying to get him to open up.

James was quiet for a long while again, before he answered. "I hated it. Actually, I didn't even notice until the name calling began."

Benet shifted in his seat, writing something down. That made James uneasy too. "So, you were bullied?"

"I don't like putting a name on things."

James arrived home late, going straight to his room. Assuming that everyone was asleep, he fell back on his unmade bed with a deep sigh. The therapist didn't go well. It brought back to many memories, he broke down. Eventually, after a lot of shouting and stubbornness on James' behalf, Mr. Benet called it off and let him free. Originally, James planned on going home, locking himself in his room and crying himself to sleep. But, couldn't..

He couldn't feel anything anymore; he was numb, so to speak.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Kendall's voice was heard from across the room. Jumping slightly, James looked over at his friend's balled up form. He had thought he was asleep, and wished he was. Talking wasn't on his agenda.

I could've helped you." His voice was hoarse and he was turned facing the wall. "We could've."

He sighed again, kicking off his shoes. "There's nothing to help, Kendall. There never was."

The blonde turned around, suddenly angry. "Yes there is, James! What if you have a serious problem? What if this went even further, huh?"

He took a deep breath, calming himself down. "James, you have so many people that care about you. Carlos, Logan, Katie, my Mom, Camille, Lucy. Me. Even Gustavo, for heaven's sake. You could've told any one of us, it shouldn't have escalated this far."

James still couldn't feel. He got under the covers and faced away from his worried friend. "I don't want to talk about it."

Sighing exasperatedly, Kendall got back into bed, giving up for the time being. The numbness was wearing off and James was beginning to feel again.

**Thanks to those who reviewed! I wrote this chapter on requests, it will probably just be a 3 shot though. Review, please! **

**~Insanity ;)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Once again, thanks for reviewers, it means a lot.**

**~Insanity**

**Last Chapter.**

_Being left alone, with my mind, is actually quite dangerous._

James awoke later than usual. Looking around, he let out a sigh of relief seeing that Kendall was not in his bed. He still wasn't in the mood to talk.

Getting out of bed, James went through the usual procedures and stood in his bathroom. His reflection stared back at him through the mirror. Taunting him.

He forced himself to look away, brushing his teeth with his eyes on the floor. He wasn't up to facing everyone at breakfast but he told himself that they'd understand. Even though, he knew deep down that nobody did.

He remembered a book he'd read in English once. He couldn't recall what it was called but there was one quote that he felt he could fully relate to.

_Running to stand still_

That, was exactly how he felt. All the time.

"James, honey." Mama K said to him as he sat down. "Do you want pancakes?"

All eyes were on him and he suddenly felt naked under all of there intense stares. He looked down at his empty plate, maybe they would get the hint.

Mrs Knight cleared her throat purposefully and when James looked up again, they were all pretending to be busy with something else. He rolled his eyes and poured himself a glass of juice.

"Do we need to go to the studio today?" he asked, trying to seem normal. He laughed at himself inwardly. Everybody there knew he wasn't normal.

"Um," Carlos began. "N-no. Gustavo said he… doesn't need us."

Carlos was always a terrible liar.

"So, we can go down to the pool." Logan tried to smile but it faltered. "I-if you want to."

"You don't have t-"

James stood suddenly, his chair flying backwards. Everybody shut up and looked up at him, not knowing what to expect.

He opened his mouth to say something, but found that he couldn't get any words out. He silently shook his head and left the apartment.

**Line Break**

"How do you feel today, James?" Mr. Benet asked him. They were in that hospital-smelling, white room again. But, this time, James didn't hate it.

"Everybody's treating me different." He said, scowling slightly.

The furrowed his brows. "How so?"

"They're stepping around me, acting like I'm fragile and need careful handling."

This morning was infuriating for James. Everybody was walking on eggshells, trying not to upset him. He didn't need that; he didn't want sympathy.

Benet nodded. "Have you considered that they think they're doing what's best for you?"

James didn't understand.

"Your confession must have been a pretty big shock for everyone around you. You may be the one that was hurting initially, but now that it's out in the open, it's affecting you all." He explained.

But, James took it the wrong way. "So, I've just made everyone miserable."

"No, no." Benet shook his head. "It's just that, now they know how you're feeling, they might not see you the same. They'll need some time to take it in. But, more importantly, _you _need some time to recover."

"But what do I need to recover from?" he asked, exasperatedly.

"Yourself. You need to get rid of your unhealthy thoughts and learn to like yourself."

James nodded, knowing that he was right.

The man smiled a small smile, saying to James before he left. "You did the right thing. A problem shared is a problem solved."

Understanding what Mr. Benet had said, James left the building. He took a deep breath, smiling at nothing in particular. He was going to get better. He was determined.

He was no longer running, he wanted to stand still. And enjoy life.

He was too young to be thinking all of these thoughts. When he was older, he didn't want to look back on his 'glory days' and say he spent them hating himself. He was on the road to recovery and he wasn't alone.

**So, not too happy with the ending but I was stuck. Hope you enjoyed this story :)**

**~Insanity**


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